A Study in Human Behavior

Saturday is "family day." It's the one day of the week when my husband, children, and I put each other first and put all work and play-with-friends aside to be in each other's company. Yesterday, we decided to go to a tiny local farm where we could see miniature horses, goats, chickens, exotic birds and brightly colored fish swimming in a beautiful three-tiered pool, complete with waterfalls and lilly pads. We were the only people there and lingered as long as we wanted. The kids were mesmerized by the animals and Benjamin and I were more relaxed in that peaceful place than we'd been in a while.

When lunchtime rolled around, we decided we'd head to a fun fried-food-n-ice-cream joint that has a fantastic playground. The kids have blast there, we love watching them have a blast there, and some super-unhealthy food is good fun every once in a while. Besides, with summer ending, it'll likely be the last time we visit such a place until next year. But our plans were derailed when the rain started falling before we got there, so we rerouted ourselves to the nearest McDonald's with in-door play-space.

If you've ever been to one of those places, you'll know what I mean when I say they are excellent observation platforms for sociological studies. The few times I've been there have enlightened me to categories of parenting behaviors as well as the interactions of kids who've never met one another and are suddenly thrust into a shared play space that serves as a cage that parents cannot enter. This is very different from playgrounds outdoors where parents can more easily interact with their kids and even climb up into the structure to "save" or reprimand their kids when need-be.

It can be fascinating to watch the kids' polite, controlled demeanor that their parents demand of them unravel inside these "cages." There is always going to be a hitting scenario; a crying kid who's either fallen or was pushed down and hurt his/her head; a screaming match; a train of kids who've taken to racing through the maze, up and down and out and back in again until someone falls, gets hurt, cries and parents start yelling.

I was proud of my kids for not getting caught up in any of those scenarios (a first for my boy!). Instead, they enjoyed their time, played together and side-by-side, and left without any tears (a miracle for our girl!).

Yesterday's fascinating observation for me was the couple sitting next to us at the next table.

The man, dressed all in dingy black, barely shaven, quiet, was relaxed in a lounging position: legs stretched out in front of him, hands folded over his belly, butt and shoulders touching the seat and chair-back. The woman, heavily made-up face, over-done shellacked hair, chatty, was on the edge of her seat with a rod-straight back. They watched their little boy (barely) as he raced through the jungle gym and got into fight after fight with a much bigger boy who wasn't afraid to hit back. Now and then the mother called out to her son (though he never indicated he heard her) with instructions, threats, observations, promises, and other what-nots while the man said little-to-nothing.

Here comes the interesting part: when the father did speak, it wasn't to his son (though he did that when the kid finally was knocked off his feet by the bigger kid, hit his head, and wailed in agony), but to his wife. His tone was authoritative, voice not-too loud, and his commands were simple: "Shut up," and, "Sit down." Fascinating to me was her reaction: she did what she was told. With no verbal response. And (the most baffling to me) her demeanor was unchanged.

So, here's this woman who has worked so hard to make herself presentable to the world with her hair, makeup, color-coordinated outfit completely and strategically accessorized, but who is thoroughly disrespected by her man, in public, and who does absolutely nothing about it.

How does that happen?!

The fact that her husband spoke disrespectfully is not in-and-of-itself unimaginable, it happens now and then (ok, more often for some than for others). But that she didn't even flinch at it or stand up for herself blew me away. Obviously, she was accustomed to this treatment and her reaction was habitual--she obeyed! What I discreetly marveled at was how she remained cheerful and talkative with this man throughout our visit.

It all made me wonder about the way people relate to one another and the different treatments we'll accept and deliver.

My husband and I have arguments, of course, and we occasionally disagree on how best to handle any given situation, but above all else--regardless of circumstance--we each expect and offer respect. We believe that respect is a key component to a healthy relationship and it has helped us to avoid tossing derogatory terms or insults at each other when we argue, which makes resolving our issues very streamlined and easy: our arguments are focused on the issue at hand, not on each other personally. Because this is a non-negotiable for us, I am profoundly baffled when I witness couples who obviously do not have a high regard for respect in their own relationships.

But then, that's part of social diversity, isn't it? We don't all have the same values or habits.

Inspiration Collides with Reality

Sometimes, writing is more of a thought process than an action. That's where I tend to linger. I think of myself as a writer--always have--but too much of my writing is happening in thought rather than in print. I suppose that is why I've turned here, to my blog...I want to change the habit of "thinking" about writing into one of "doing" the writing.

I just read a memoir by Anne Lamott about her mother; her dead mother. It was riveting! She dug into the ugliness of their relationship without bringing up the nitty gritty--she alluded to the discontent between them, or at least that which she felt toward her mother, but she kept the specifics at bay. I found a degree of bravery in her writing that I admired. It also made me wonder: does she have any siblings? What about aunts and uncles? Ultimately I wondered: How does she get away with this much honesty in her writing--does it cause fights in her family? animosity? discord? years-long silent treatment? I was inspired by her piece and yearned to be able to write like that, but I don't know how brave I am...well, let me rephrase that, I was inspired by her piece and yearned to be able to write like that, but had to face the fact that I am not a brave writer, I am a safe writer. As much as I love to read other people's prose about the difficulties, challenges, and embarrassments of their lives, I have not dared to go there in my own work. Maybe I will...if I outlive all of my family members.

Oh, but then that wouldn't be brave, would it?

Uglies

I just finished the Uglies series by Scott Westerfeld...fantastic story! It's given me so much to think about. When I started the first book, I had some revealing discussions with my family including my 8- and 3-year old kids about our ideas of beauty and its power. I love the way a good book can nudge you into examining every-day things you either take for granted or just don't actively think about. This series did that for me, just as The Hunger Games did. They both encouraged me to consider the society I live in and the implications of our ways. It's easy to say, "our society does this," and "they do that," and to complain about the parts we don't like, but it is quite striking to look at how we play into those practices on a daily basis--even with the simple inaction of not standing up for change, we support the 'norm.'

As I read these books, it was fun to imagine where I would've fallen in the social order of the Pretties. Sometimes I thought I'd absolutely be like the protagonist, Tally, who maintained the integrity of her character through repeated surgical alterations to her brain, designed to influence her personality to suit the desires of the government doctors. At other times, though, I could easily see myself as one of the sheep who just followed everyone else and never bothered to question what had come to be know as 'normal' practice (those were not good days for me!). I like to think I would have made it out to The Smoke (the wilderness) and learned to appreciate true nature, including it's human designs...

So what am I going to do differently as a result of reading these books?

Well, I think this story is about standing up for what you believe in as much as it's about joining forces to protect our planet. One thing I know for sure is that I will continue to talk with my kids about what they're noticing in the world around them, to teach them to analyze and develop their own thoughts about what they see, and to decide what is worth their energy to preserve, or to change. For my own part, I am going to cultivate a stronger resolve, so that when I notice myself going-with-the-flow just to avoid conflict--or because I haven't yet decided where I stand on an issue--I stop myself long enough to consider the options and make a conscious decision. That seems like a good place to start.

Fitting It All Into a Day

I was pleasantly surprised to read that even able-to-afford-all-the-help-in-the-world people like Gwyneth Paltrow struggle with the demands of motherhood, work, and social life obligations. Sometimes it is tempting to think that when you have tons of money and any kind of help you desire as close as your touch-screen mobile phone, then life is breezy. Chores can be delegated to hired help so you can spend quality time with your children, and the children can be cared for so you can spend time taking care of you. Apparently, it isn't that simple...for any of us.

Still, when you don't have all that money or access to help and your work schedule is rigid, demanding, and grueling most weeks of the year--as opposed to that one big job you do over the course of 2 months or so each year--the struggle consumes a great deal of the quality of your life.  It eats into your peace of mind, rest, exercise, eating habits, focus, productivity, availability to loved ones, and attention to your own needs.

So, while there is a certain amount of comfort in knowing that nobody is fully exempt from experiencing the challenge of managing a full load of life, it is also important to remember that the degree to which that challenge effects us varies widely.

Keeping Up

Some days I am so on top of everything I can guiltlessly squeeze out a few blissful moments all for myself...and then there are the days when I am up to three steps behind. Today is one of the latter. Late to wake, late to work. With my commute, if I don't leave my house three hours before I need to be at work, then I am doomed to a sluggish ride on traffic clogged roads. That was what happened this morning. Two and a half hours before I was due to be in the school building, I hit the road. Mind you, the ride--90 miles--only takes an hour and a half on empty roads, but early in the morning, one half hour can mean the difference between a smooth ride and a stop-and-go snail walk that doubles my time in the car.

Today will be a long one, too.  I'll be staying late at work to catch up on grading 90 essays.

On days like this, I am proud to be among all of the working mothers in the world who trudge forth, accomplishing their daily tasks efficiently (or not!) and whole-heartedly just because...it's what we do. We know that there is no turning back, no calling in sick because things aren't going the way we would prefer them to go, we keep rolling along and making sure that everything works out in the end, because too many people, precious people, are counting on us to be there at the end of the day with a loving embrace and a hot meal on the table.

Debit Debacle Derailed

Phew! That was close...though the last couple of days were a wild ride on the roller coaster of a fraudulent withdrawal of funds from our checking account, we have resolved the issue peacefully and completely (we think).

We were lucky. When a large charge that we didn't initiate showed up on our checking account, my husband and I flew into a frenzy of phone calls and emails to stop the charge before it went through, but as you know if you read my previous post, to no avail. Bank said, "Sorry. The charge stays; dispute it when the funds are fully withdrawn from the account."

It turns out, we were not electronically held-up by a masked hacker who'd sinisterly snatched our card information from some undisclosed source; instead, we were the victims of an innocent (?) mistake by a reputable company who immediately recognized its error (after two phone calls and an email) and corrected the situation (24 hours later).

Aaahh. (That's the sound of me and my husband breathing a simultaneous sigh of relief.)

Thankfully, we learned a great lesson and didn't have to pay too big a price for it.

Debit Debacle

We hear about credit card fraud all the time; identity theft and unauthorized charges made on credit accounts are hot topics everywhere you look these days. Call me naive, but I thought that we had a little more say over what happens to our hard earned money that we trustingly deposit into supposedly secure bank accounts. My husband and I are learning the hard way that this isn't necessarily so.

We love that fact that we can access our money electronically and purchase things automatically with the swipe of our reliable debit card, and we understand that there is always a risk of someone deviously acquiring our debit information and gaining access to our account...BUT, when you catch a fraudulent charge in the PENDING phase and call the bank immediately to alert them to the fact that you did not initiate or authorize the charge, and say you want it stopped dead in its tracks...wouldn't you expect your loyal bank to honor your word, respect your ownership of the money you earned, and stop the charge?

Guess what. No such luck. Sorry! While it is true that you can't even get a representative on the phone to tell you what your balance is without reciting a grocery list of personal information to prove you are you, it only takes one stranger with your debit card number to withdraw any old amount of your money that he or she wishes to take. Nice. The bank will not stop a pending charge just because you say it isn't authorized; instead, they let the thief have the money first, then graciously allow you to fill out dispute paper work in order to hunt down the swindler and attempt to wrestle your money back out of his/her slimy grip. Fabulous.

For all of the convenience and ease debit cards provide, this one MAJOR caveat is enough to make me want to go back to the old days of cash-in-hand ("Keep my mind on my money and my money on my mind"). Well...sort of.

Change

I've mentioned a couple of negative aspects of my daily commute, but there are lovely parts, too. Being on the highway as morning dawns is spectacular. Each day, my husband and I are witness to the beautiful events that subtly shift the look of the sky with nuances of color, light and shadow. In the spring, we can see goose couples flying across the scene above the trees; silhouettes so content together in the early morning.

In the late afternoon, we again are privy to sky changes as the sun glows yellow and orange across the horizon. We count the hawks who hover and glide, alone and in groups, they circle around and around, sometimes flying low enough for us to glimpse their undersides as they soar overhead.

The trees present their own show, of course. These days, they are filling in the spaces between with dots of color--the greens and yellows so fresh and light. The mountains grow richer by the day and paint a deep contrast on the great expanse of sky.

I'm a fan of change; I love to watch it happen all around me as I travel through life with my partner. We are continually inspired to embrace the changes that come at us, and to instigate the changes we want and need. Riding the subway never quite offered the same benefit.

Single Ladies...and babies

Two year old Ariana, my daughter, is a very big fan of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" video. She's watched and watched and watched, studying the moves and the song so that now she can mimic some of those moves. Her rendition of the song itself, though, is simply, "Woh oh oh," and she repeats that snippet a few times while she dances around in a circle moving her hands (and sometimes attempting to sway her hips) like Beyonce.

It's adorable. But what I find hysterical is that she's taken to categorizing items in the world with a "Woh oh oh" label. It started with high heeled shoes: Wearing spiky-heeled boots, I once walked into the room where she played and Ariana gasped in awe and asked, "Mommy Woh oh oh shoes?" From that moment on, any high heels or exceptionally pretty flats, have been dubbed "Woh oh oh Shoes." Whenever she can get her hands on these shoes she steps into them and does her "Woh oh oh" dance. She's begun to include form-fitting clothes, like leggings, in her label, too: "Mommy Woh oh oh pants?"

"Yes, honey, Mommy Woh oh oh pants." I can't wait to take her shoe shopping with me!

Treading Morning

Walking outdoors is one of my favorite things. Since I've moved two states away from my workplace and now drive three hours each day, and because I have two young children who need me to be home with them (and who cannot keep up with Momma on our hilly country roads), I had to buy a treadmill in order to fit walking back into my life.

The beauty of having a treadmill at home is that I can do my favorite thing at home while the family still sleeps at 4 in the morning, when it is just too dark and scary to go outside. This morning I got on the treadmill, turned on my ipod, and walked, ran, and danced (you've GOT to try this!) the morning away. It was blissful, and I was elated by hour's end.

I have never liked going to a gym and exercising in front of strangers...you KNOW they're looking at you! To me, it is an uncomfortable situation, and the few times I did go, I always quelled my instincts to move the way I really wanted to move, because I didn't want to draw attention from creepy onlookers. 

THIS morning, however, when I was on that fantastic machine, I was boppin' away, my arms going this way and that, not caring how much shaking was goin' on in the rear when I ran, not caring if I looked silly when I pumped my arms--it was total freedom. I even sang out loud and clapped to the music (our home gym is in the basement, so my sleeping family could continue their slumber undisturbed).  It felt so good, too, that I kept it up for 70 minutes and "covered" 4 miles--I haven't been able to do THAT since I was single in my 20's.

Life is good.