A Study in Human Behavior

Saturday is "family day." It's the one day of the week when my husband, children, and I put each other first and put all work and play-with-friends aside to be in each other's company. Yesterday, we decided to go to a tiny local farm where we could see miniature horses, goats, chickens, exotic birds and brightly colored fish swimming in a beautiful three-tiered pool, complete with waterfalls and lilly pads. We were the only people there and lingered as long as we wanted. The kids were mesmerized by the animals and Benjamin and I were more relaxed in that peaceful place than we'd been in a while.

When lunchtime rolled around, we decided we'd head to a fun fried-food-n-ice-cream joint that has a fantastic playground. The kids have blast there, we love watching them have a blast there, and some super-unhealthy food is good fun every once in a while. Besides, with summer ending, it'll likely be the last time we visit such a place until next year. But our plans were derailed when the rain started falling before we got there, so we rerouted ourselves to the nearest McDonald's with in-door play-space.

If you've ever been to one of those places, you'll know what I mean when I say they are excellent observation platforms for sociological studies. The few times I've been there have enlightened me to categories of parenting behaviors as well as the interactions of kids who've never met one another and are suddenly thrust into a shared play space that serves as a cage that parents cannot enter. This is very different from playgrounds outdoors where parents can more easily interact with their kids and even climb up into the structure to "save" or reprimand their kids when need-be.

It can be fascinating to watch the kids' polite, controlled demeanor that their parents demand of them unravel inside these "cages." There is always going to be a hitting scenario; a crying kid who's either fallen or was pushed down and hurt his/her head; a screaming match; a train of kids who've taken to racing through the maze, up and down and out and back in again until someone falls, gets hurt, cries and parents start yelling.

I was proud of my kids for not getting caught up in any of those scenarios (a first for my boy!). Instead, they enjoyed their time, played together and side-by-side, and left without any tears (a miracle for our girl!).

Yesterday's fascinating observation for me was the couple sitting next to us at the next table.

The man, dressed all in dingy black, barely shaven, quiet, was relaxed in a lounging position: legs stretched out in front of him, hands folded over his belly, butt and shoulders touching the seat and chair-back. The woman, heavily made-up face, over-done shellacked hair, chatty, was on the edge of her seat with a rod-straight back. They watched their little boy (barely) as he raced through the jungle gym and got into fight after fight with a much bigger boy who wasn't afraid to hit back. Now and then the mother called out to her son (though he never indicated he heard her) with instructions, threats, observations, promises, and other what-nots while the man said little-to-nothing.

Here comes the interesting part: when the father did speak, it wasn't to his son (though he did that when the kid finally was knocked off his feet by the bigger kid, hit his head, and wailed in agony), but to his wife. His tone was authoritative, voice not-too loud, and his commands were simple: "Shut up," and, "Sit down." Fascinating to me was her reaction: she did what she was told. With no verbal response. And (the most baffling to me) her demeanor was unchanged.

So, here's this woman who has worked so hard to make herself presentable to the world with her hair, makeup, color-coordinated outfit completely and strategically accessorized, but who is thoroughly disrespected by her man, in public, and who does absolutely nothing about it.

How does that happen?!

The fact that her husband spoke disrespectfully is not in-and-of-itself unimaginable, it happens now and then (ok, more often for some than for others). But that she didn't even flinch at it or stand up for herself blew me away. Obviously, she was accustomed to this treatment and her reaction was habitual--she obeyed! What I discreetly marveled at was how she remained cheerful and talkative with this man throughout our visit.

It all made me wonder about the way people relate to one another and the different treatments we'll accept and deliver.

My husband and I have arguments, of course, and we occasionally disagree on how best to handle any given situation, but above all else--regardless of circumstance--we each expect and offer respect. We believe that respect is a key component to a healthy relationship and it has helped us to avoid tossing derogatory terms or insults at each other when we argue, which makes resolving our issues very streamlined and easy: our arguments are focused on the issue at hand, not on each other personally. Because this is a non-negotiable for us, I am profoundly baffled when I witness couples who obviously do not have a high regard for respect in their own relationships.

But then, that's part of social diversity, isn't it? We don't all have the same values or habits.

Inspiration Collides with Reality

Sometimes, writing is more of a thought process than an action. That's where I tend to linger. I think of myself as a writer--always have--but too much of my writing is happening in thought rather than in print. I suppose that is why I've turned here, to my blog...I want to change the habit of "thinking" about writing into one of "doing" the writing.

I just read a memoir by Anne Lamott about her mother; her dead mother. It was riveting! She dug into the ugliness of their relationship without bringing up the nitty gritty--she alluded to the discontent between them, or at least that which she felt toward her mother, but she kept the specifics at bay. I found a degree of bravery in her writing that I admired. It also made me wonder: does she have any siblings? What about aunts and uncles? Ultimately I wondered: How does she get away with this much honesty in her writing--does it cause fights in her family? animosity? discord? years-long silent treatment? I was inspired by her piece and yearned to be able to write like that, but I don't know how brave I am...well, let me rephrase that, I was inspired by her piece and yearned to be able to write like that, but had to face the fact that I am not a brave writer, I am a safe writer. As much as I love to read other people's prose about the difficulties, challenges, and embarrassments of their lives, I have not dared to go there in my own work. Maybe I will...if I outlive all of my family members.

Oh, but then that wouldn't be brave, would it?

Uglies

I just finished the Uglies series by Scott Westerfeld...fantastic story! It's given me so much to think about. When I started the first book, I had some revealing discussions with my family including my 8- and 3-year old kids about our ideas of beauty and its power. I love the way a good book can nudge you into examining every-day things you either take for granted or just don't actively think about. This series did that for me, just as The Hunger Games did. They both encouraged me to consider the society I live in and the implications of our ways. It's easy to say, "our society does this," and "they do that," and to complain about the parts we don't like, but it is quite striking to look at how we play into those practices on a daily basis--even with the simple inaction of not standing up for change, we support the 'norm.'

As I read these books, it was fun to imagine where I would've fallen in the social order of the Pretties. Sometimes I thought I'd absolutely be like the protagonist, Tally, who maintained the integrity of her character through repeated surgical alterations to her brain, designed to influence her personality to suit the desires of the government doctors. At other times, though, I could easily see myself as one of the sheep who just followed everyone else and never bothered to question what had come to be know as 'normal' practice (those were not good days for me!). I like to think I would have made it out to The Smoke (the wilderness) and learned to appreciate true nature, including it's human designs...

So what am I going to do differently as a result of reading these books?

Well, I think this story is about standing up for what you believe in as much as it's about joining forces to protect our planet. One thing I know for sure is that I will continue to talk with my kids about what they're noticing in the world around them, to teach them to analyze and develop their own thoughts about what they see, and to decide what is worth their energy to preserve, or to change. For my own part, I am going to cultivate a stronger resolve, so that when I notice myself going-with-the-flow just to avoid conflict--or because I haven't yet decided where I stand on an issue--I stop myself long enough to consider the options and make a conscious decision. That seems like a good place to start.